cheers!

If anyone would have told how freaking amazing my ‘early’ birthday night out will be a year ago I would have never believed it! I am so happy to be where I am today! I have had so many bad days, though moments and nasty thoughts in my head for a long time but this beats it all! Ladies and Gentlemen I am BACK!!!!

Happy birthday Neela, you have done a fine job this year

Oh and as a reward my cousin introduced me to a fine, tall, good-looking birthday surprise that made the night a little more special!

no need to reboot my brain here! German breakfast with soft boiled eggs, jam and yogurt are still one of my favorites

full creamy yogurt morning parfait with walnuts, blueberries, banana and apples

I did struggle a lot the last few days with my body and how it’s look has changed. But the most important part it that in the end the outcome of it is a positive one. Whenever I feel down I try to remind myself of all the wonderful things that I have in my life. I am so happy to live  in my apartment, I am so happy to have restored my health and I am so blessed to have the support from my family, friends and therapist that get me through some insane moments in my life.

Of course not everyone in my family can be of benefit and I do have to watch out that I do not let myself get influenced too much from the stronger personalities in my family. But it’s also a great opportunity to grow and to build my own self-esteem and to realize that I can do it.

hatcho is fermented for almost 2 years and contain loads of good probiotics to keep the gut healthy

warming hatcho miso soup with kale, spinach, pumpkin and salmon

Believing is the beginning of making things happen. I spend so much time dwelling on negative aspect of my life and thinking that nothing could ever go right again. Well it stayed that way until I was sick and tiered of this whole pessimistic life that I was living. I can glow just like anyone else.

I often found myself jealous of other. But why? Why are we jealous? Well I took a step back and realized that I wanted what they had. The best example would be my two gorgeous cousins. They are young full of life and are enjoying being themselves. So what was I jealous of? Well EVERYTHING! I wanted their hair, their confidence, self esteem, their car, their boyfriend (oops) and so much more. But then I asked myself what steps do I need to make in life to get me to that. Or what is stopping me from being what I want? Well the answer was my anxiety and my ED that kept me in the place where I was and also made me wish to be someone else.

Slowly I am working on the steps that I need to take to be just as happy with myself and to realize that I am unique and that every one of us is special in their own way. So instead of thinking if I should have oats or pancakes for breakfast I know take that time to do my hair nicely. And there you go! My hair can be just as gorgeous as my cousin!

walnut, pine and cashew nut basil pesto with spaghetti, zucchini and tomatoes

I could easily eat 2 full plates of this! so good

It’s scary and wonderful to be able to discover myself again. I love how I can laugh again like I did before and I love that now I have the time to look after myself and attend my needs. Attracting the positive things in life… something we all can do a little more!

When I watched ‘The cove’ I knew that I could not just sit there and let it all go by without actually doing something. When I was still a kid I had the wonderful chance of seeing dolphins in the wild and since then I have been in love with whales and dolphins. These fantastic creatures are far more intelligent than we can imagine. I am sure  that they can communicate with us if we would finally get over the fact that all animals need to speak to be understood and need to shake our hands to be polite. Most of the noises that these animals make are at voices so high we can’t even hear it. But guess what? You’re wiener might even be able to hear them! So what does that say about how intelligent we really are? Mother Nature was smart enough not to equip us with the best hearing tools so that some animals would at least get a little bit of peace from our cruel ways of living with them.

Dolphin's don't always smile like we assume. They are born with a smile

I do not want to criticize any nation here even though I know that Japan is the big one in this movie. But I do think that we all need to look more at what our countries are doing with the animals that live in our world. I am not here to tell you to stop eating meat or go crazy on a raw vegan diet. Oh NO! But I invite you to join me in understanding how our system works and that you as a customer can choose what you buy and what you don’t.

When I eat meat or dairy products I buy them from a farm where I know the animals are treated well and earn the respect they deserve. This is all I am asking of all the humans in this world. To stop thinking meat and dairy grows on trees. Good morning! It does not and sadly all the countries in the world have been abusing the luxury goods of food that we have nowadays. Think about it, our meat has become our vegetables and our vegetables have become our cake. Something is wrong here right?

Of course this does not apply to all the people. And thise who have developed  an ED and are probably aware and sensitive enough to know about animal welfare. But still it would be wonderful if you could do one thing to make this world a better place. It’s nothing big and only takes 1 min of your day.

Go to

http://www.savejapandolphins.org/take-action/support-us-on-the-frontlines-in-japan

And click on the link on the side that says ‘Sign the petition’

It will take you to a new side where all you need to do is sign with your name, city and country and voila you are one step closer to making the world a better place!!

oh and go ahead and watch 'the cove' yourself!

But then I watched ‘Thin’ and found out one in seven of people with ED will die from this illness.

Now I do believe that if I would have watched this video a year ago I would have probably felt even worse after but now I was ready to see this and the real ugly face of anorexia and bulimia. I could not understand how these beautiful and talented young ladies were just wasting away like that and at the same time I could find so many parallels between them and with my own life. I nearly cried when the girl and her twin talked about how they felt about each other because this is exactly how I used to feel with my brother. Being disappointed about myself because my brother was always the one who got it all done. I felt like nothing next to him.

rice cooked in coconut milk with roasted kale, zucchini and capsicum

The thought that stuck most with me was the fact that ED are like a warm piece of gum. They stick like mad to your shoes. You need to make a really big effort to get it off of you and you have to watch out that you do not get a new gum on your shoes while walking around cause let me tell there is gum everywhere.

When recovery seems to be pleasant and you’re always having a good time. Well maybe you’re not really recovering but staying on the spot. Recovery is a pain, a deep sharp internal pain that no words can describe. It’s the process of rediscovering who you really are.

soy sauce marinated salmon with stir fried broccoli, spinach and kale

Tomorrow marks the day one year ago where I decided to turn my life around. Tomorrow one year ago on the 18.02.2010 I flew to Germany and left my home, my family, my friends and my entire life behind to go on a journey to become myself again. I have been anorexic for 7 years and I had no idea that I would ever be able to recover to the point where I am now. I am at a healthy weight, I am doing things I never thought possible and I am connecting with my inner voice again. Of course my life is not perfect! You all know I suffer a lot from my Colitis and I do find it hard to find ground in Germany after living abroad for so long. But I try! I try hard and when I realize that it’s not working I try even harder!

millet fried with smoked tofu, sunflower seeds, herbs and zucchini

This time I won’t give up. I will not be the One in seven. I will be alive, breathing the air of the life I choose to live.

oats cooked in coconut milk and topped with granola, banana slices and nuts

The Lunch menu was nothing but simple

starting with a curried miso butternut squash and parsnip soup

goat cheese spinach risotto as the main meal

my newly backed batch of coconut macaroons made the perfect ending to the meal

I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. I finished off with a lovely dinner out and a great movie ‘Aimee and Jaguar’. A story about a jewish and a nazi german women during the second world war in Berlin that fall in love with each other. A great movie!

I am off to my dentist. Hope he has some love for my teeth for me!

good morning to millet flakes cooked in goat milk and topped with coconut granola, walnuts and almonds

this time buckwheat cooked in goat milk and topped with granola, almonds, seeds and walnuts

Thank you for your feedback on the anxious mind. Well I guess that anxiety lives in every one of us but some people are better at dealing with the anxiety. I am sure we all can learn to deal with in but we need to find the way that is best for us. And that is a journey we all walking down. I want to make this journey enjoyable and try to include things into my day that can make the anxiety less prominent.

On Tuesday evening I went to my first ever self-help group for people with Eating Disorders. I was scared to attend since I didn’t know who I would meet, if I would get home safe and if I would be triggered there. But in the end I realized that all the energy I had used to think about this event would have better been invested into finding my Valentine for monday. Well too late!

tofu-zucchini stir fry with basmati rice

next day leftovers were worked into this

Oh and before I forget remember my skin care regime? Well what can I say! My face looks the same but I don’t see any improvement even when I invest about 15 min everyday for all that bloody moisturising, cleansing and toning. Well maybe this is all crap after all and all I really need is some Estrogen in my body to get my hormones going again. I mean estrogen is the hormone that gives us beautiful skin. So let’s keep those fingers crossed for aunt flow!

Now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense to me how someone with anxiety can fall deeply into the hands of this mental state and before you know it you have no idea how to escape. My anxiety grew so bad that at some point I was willing to give up everything just to be save. I used to exercise a lot and went to the gym like it was my religion. But then came the fear what if I can’t ‘survive’ the training plan that my head has set me? I couldn’t sleep at night because I was so anxious of the things I had to do the next day at the gym. Now these where things like running, weight etc but in my mind they turned into fear. I tossed and turned every night before a gym session until one day I called it quits. I stopped going to the gym.

original cream cheese bagels in Trier with a friend. perfect time to face those fears

Not only did i stop going to the gym but I cut out all the things in my life that created anxiety. Eating out, socializing, swimming, going for walks without knowing when I would be back, fats in my diet, diary with my stomach issues, gluten products, friends, family, school, lectures… the list goes on an on and on. I isolated myself completely from everything I had ever enjoyed in order to stay safe. To make my life as boring ans miserable as it could be. Was that really me?Of course it was the anorexia in me who did this.

So right now I am trying to win this back. I have made really good progress with food. Everything is back in my diet. Meat, diary, gluten and all the other tasty things that make this life worth tasting! I am socializing a lot and actually having my mum leave made get my bum up and do something to meet people. I was always so comfortable with having my family around without realizing that this was not the company I needed. I need friends and extended family to be near me too and to chat with. It’s hard work but I did it!

first homemade meaty pasta sauce cooked with my cousin today. damn it was good

The only one thing I have not gotten over is exercise. My body freezes when I even think about going out for a run or even sees a gym. It’s like it is traumatized from it. About 2 month ago my cousin and me decided to go to the gym the next day and all night I could not sleep because I was scared of being in a gym again and having all the negative memories come back into my mind. I think this will still take some time and I do enjoy giving my body this time. I need to earn back my bodies trust to be able to function in all situations again and that can only be retaught with time patience and working hard to get to the point I want to be at.

ready for lunch!

trying to make some food sound appealing for my appetite. But everything seemed off

So of course I knew what was causing this. I usually would not write about this problem so openly on the internet but I do feel maybe someone can relate to this problem. Since the 7 years that I have suffered from anorexia I have not gotten my period. Even though I gained back enough weight to be considered healthy I still do not get my period now either. I went to see a GYNO and she recommended me to start going to birth control to kick start the whole hormone production a little. Well of course I was worried if going on birth control would be the right thing to do. Or if my body needs just a little more time to heal and then get back to being a women. I settled on trying a low-dose pill which I have been taking for 2 days now. The nausea started about 4 hours after I started it. And it did not let go but got worse till the point where I could no longer hold out and ran to the bathroom. It was horrible.

spinach risotto with roasted nuts

maybe this creamy goat cheese will excite my stomach?

or some candy and chocolate? I tried it all, nothing worked!

I guess my body once again is giving me pretty damn straight signals that this is not the way to go. I talked to my mum and my best friend about this and I think the right thing to do is to gain another 2-3 kg and then see how my body goes from there. I have heard from many people that after anorexia the body needs that little extra bit of body tissue to really get all the hormonal action started again.Birth control might be the answer for some but I think not for me.

at least I was able to keep down these curry roasted potatoes

After having a round of blood test I now know that I suffer from severe estrogen loss and that this might also be a reason why my skin is so dull and dry and might also be linked to my heightened sensitivity of my gut nerves. I’ll be more than happy to report back on how the next few weeks will be going for me. Of course I am scared to gain more weight. I feel fine the way I look now but I think my health has become a bigger priority for me right now than how slim I am. And I do think that at some point there is no going back. Then the damage you have done will be there and there is nothing I could do to reverse it. This is not something I want to happen. I want my body to be able to recover.

So here we go! Saying goodbye to the last bits of Anorexia…

the starters! from baguette over smoked salmon and ginger roasted chicken to salads everything was there

I felt great on Saturday. I felt no ED voice in my head telling me to not eat something. No I just went with the flow. I jocked and giggled with my cousins and brother. Fought about who will get most of the chocolate dessert and the amazing hot cherries with vanilla ice. I even dared to try some chicken even though I am a vegetarian! Am I? Am I really? Well let me put it this way. Is my ED or is Neela a vegetarian? Ed is one for sure but Neela, hm i’m not sure yet. Let me tell you I liked the chicken but my body did not crave more. I ate one piece and that was it. I didn’t want more. Maybe I need to give my body some time to rediscover it’s love for meat. Yes I was a meat lover before my 9th birthday. But that’s another story.

we love good food!

I loved the feeling of being around my extended family and I really enjoyed the lovely compliments that my cousins were giving me on my ‘new’ appearance. And I have to admit I had a lot of fun trying foods that others had on their plate and vice versa. It feels so normal. Can I say that? I guess it’s more of it felt so much like me.

listening to speeches

talking about politics with our 'hippy' cousin! he is super fun!

the youngest of them all

just enjoying being here

I do admit that I was super anxious about this day and without the help of my brother and my mum I would have probably not handles the day as well as I did then. Sadly the next day I had a rather upset and bloated tummy from all the foods that I tried which body probably doesn’t know yet and doesn’t like digesting. Thankfully I am feeling much better today and I can enjoy the moments that are now in my memory from the 29th January 2011. A wonderful day and another major step for me in recovery! It feels so great to be a little more of myself again!

all together now

So my mum has come back for another week until she leaves for good in exactly one week. While it’s nice to have company around I would much rather prefer to have someone my age around. soaking of which I had a fantastic time with my cousins around on Sunday and actually spend the whole afternoon chatting about my love life with them. Oh how fun! If only those words would come true. Well it’s up to me I guess

the outcome of the brownie baking was a huge success

actually after eating all of these we all felt like brownies ourselves

On friday my brother will be flying in because we are all celebrating my grandma’s 80th Birthday this weekend. Of course I am very much looking forward to this event and I can’t wait to meet so many members of my family that I have not seen in a really long time. I hope all goes well, my stomach behaves and my pimples start to kindly disappear. Tomorrow me and my mum are heading out to shop for some new clothes to wrap ourselves in some new outfits for the big event.

pink salmon and pink pan are made for each other

So then in february i will be here alone and I have made up some plans how to keep myself busy. First up will be yoga! yes I said this a million times before but honestly I am always too lazy to get my bum up in the morning to make it to a morning class and honestly I hate to miss out on a long and relaxing breakfast like these

eaten in the early morning hours; oatmeal with a crumbeled coconut bar

or maybe the classic german breakfast of 'Brötchen', Jam, Butter, Eggs, Yoghurt and Brie Cheese?

But damn I will make it to that class. Even if I will miss the time in the morning for a chilled breakfast. I will find some breakfast on the go I am sure. Or there is always Brunch right?

Then I want to switch my job. Currently I am doing some social work and helping people with Alzheimer and Parkinson disease manage their day-to-day life but I have to admit that I do get quite down and sad from this work. I think right now it is more suited for me to work more with young people and meet some more around my age (Well hello there future boyfriend! Yes it’s time you came into my life!) I would consider keeping the other job as something I can do on the side because I want to help these poor sick people and not many people are willing to serve in these jobs.

the one and only thing that always makes me happy! Pasta! This time sautéed with tomatoes, spinach and zucchini and farty ahhh... Garlic! Sorry! And topped with sesame seeds

I know I wanted to write a post about my top 10 things for recovery but I do want to take some time to really piece together everything here. While my family is here it’s hard to do that obviously so after this weekend I am sure to put these ideas up! And I have more news! I went to the GYNO on monday and also have some good news for all you ladies out there that have like me not had their periods in a loooong time! there is always hope