learning a little about me

Sometimes I wish there was a button you could press in your brain and everything goes right back to how it used to be. If only life was that simple.

no need to reboot my brain here! German breakfast with soft boiled eggs, jam and yogurt are still one of my favorites

full creamy yogurt morning parfait with walnuts, blueberries, banana and apples

I did struggle a lot the last few days with my body and how it’s look has changed. But the most important part it that in the end the outcome of it is a positive one. Whenever I feel down I try to remind myself of all the wonderful things that I have in my life. I am so happy to live  in my apartment, I am so happy to have restored my health and I am so blessed to have the support from my family, friends and therapist that get me through some insane moments in my life.

Of course not everyone in my family can be of benefit and I do have to watch out that I do not let myself get influenced too much from the stronger personalities in my family. But it’s also a great opportunity to grow and to build my own self-esteem and to realize that I can do it.

hatcho is fermented for almost 2 years and contain loads of good probiotics to keep the gut healthy

warming hatcho miso soup with kale, spinach, pumpkin and salmon

Believing is the beginning of making things happen. I spend so much time dwelling on negative aspect of my life and thinking that nothing could ever go right again. Well it stayed that way until I was sick and tiered of this whole pessimistic life that I was living. I can glow just like anyone else.

I often found myself jealous of other. But why? Why are we jealous? Well I took a step back and realized that I wanted what they had. The best example would be my two gorgeous cousins. They are young full of life and are enjoying being themselves. So what was I jealous of? Well EVERYTHING! I wanted their hair, their confidence, self esteem, their car, their boyfriend (oops) and so much more. But then I asked myself what steps do I need to make in life to get me to that. Or what is stopping me from being what I want? Well the answer was my anxiety and my ED that kept me in the place where I was and also made me wish to be someone else.

Slowly I am working on the steps that I need to take to be just as happy with myself and to realize that I am unique and that every one of us is special in their own way. So instead of thinking if I should have oats or pancakes for breakfast I know take that time to do my hair nicely. And there you go! My hair can be just as gorgeous as my cousin!

walnut, pine and cashew nut basil pesto with spaghetti, zucchini and tomatoes

I could easily eat 2 full plates of this! so good

It’s scary and wonderful to be able to discover myself again. I love how I can laugh again like I did before and I love that now I have the time to look after myself and attend my needs. Attracting the positive things in life… something we all can do a little more!

one minute of your life

I seem to be in the documentary phase of my life right now. After watching one about the Nazis, homeopathy and the effects of high vitamins intakes I have found the one documentary that really touched my heart. This is not just any type of documentary that you watch and think ‘oh yeah that’s sad but what can I do?’

When I watched ‘The cove’ I knew that I could not just sit there and let it all go by without actually doing something. When I was still a kid I had the wonderful chance of seeing dolphins in the wild and since then I have been in love with whales and dolphins. These fantastic creatures are far more intelligent than we can imagine. I am sure  that they can communicate with us if we would finally get over the fact that all animals need to speak to be understood and need to shake our hands to be polite. Most of the noises that these animals make are at voices so high we can’t even hear it. But guess what? You’re wiener might even be able to hear them! So what does that say about how intelligent we really are? Mother Nature was smart enough not to equip us with the best hearing tools so that some animals would at least get a little bit of peace from our cruel ways of living with them.

Dolphin's don't always smile like we assume. They are born with a smile

 

I do not want to criticize any nation here even though I know that Japan is the big one in this movie. But I do think that we all need to look more at what our countries are doing with the animals that live in our world. I am not here to tell you to stop eating meat or go crazy on a raw vegan diet. Oh NO! But I invite you to join me in understanding how our system works and that you as a customer can choose what you buy and what you don’t.

When I eat meat or dairy products I buy them from a farm where I know the animals are treated well and earn the respect they deserve. This is all I am asking of all the humans in this world. To stop thinking meat and dairy grows on trees. Good morning! It does not and sadly all the countries in the world have been abusing the luxury goods of food that we have nowadays. Think about it, our meat has become our vegetables and our vegetables have become our cake. Something is wrong here right?

Of course this does not apply to all the people. And thise who have developed  an ED and are probably aware and sensitive enough to know about animal welfare. But still it would be wonderful if you could do one thing to make this world a better place. It’s nothing big and only takes 1 min of your day.

Go to

http://www.savejapandolphins.org/take-action/support-us-on-the-frontlines-in-japan

And click on the link on the side that says ‘Sign the petition’

It will take you to a new side where all you need to do is sign with your name, city and country and voila you are one step closer to making the world a better place!!

oh and go ahead and watch 'the cove' yourself!

one in seven

I really enjoy documentaries of all kinds. One of my favorite has been the one that was about the Kennedy’s which was a real eye opener. There are of course good and bad ones and to be honest most of the ones I have seen about eating disorders are nothing more than really really bad. Mostly the restricted eating is actually celebrated and only the happy part of the anorexic is shown when she looses weight and how determined she is to follow her goal. Most documentaries fail to show how depressing, sad and lonely a life with an eating disorder can really be.

But then I watched ‘Thin’ and found out one in seven of people with ED will die from this illness.

Now I do believe that if I would have watched this video a year ago I would have probably felt even worse after but now I was ready to see this and the real ugly face of anorexia and bulimia. I could not understand how these beautiful and talented young ladies were just wasting away like that and at the same time I could find so many parallels between them and with my own life. I nearly cried when the girl and her twin talked about how they felt about each other because this is exactly how I used to feel with my brother. Being disappointed about myself because my brother was always the one who got it all done. I felt like nothing next to him.

rice cooked in coconut milk with roasted kale, zucchini and capsicum

The thought that stuck most with me was the fact that ED are like a warm piece of gum. They stick like mad to your shoes. You need to make a really big effort to get it off of you and you have to watch out that you do not get a new gum on your shoes while walking around cause let me tell there is gum everywhere.

When recovery seems to be pleasant and you’re always having a good time. Well maybe you’re not really recovering but staying on the spot. Recovery is a pain, a deep sharp internal pain that no words can describe. It’s the process of rediscovering who you really are.

soy sauce marinated salmon with stir fried broccoli, spinach and kale

Tomorrow marks the day one year ago where I decided to turn my life around. Tomorrow one year ago on the 18.02.2010 I flew to Germany and left my home, my family, my friends and my entire life behind to go on a journey to become myself again. I have been anorexic for 7 years and I had no idea that I would ever be able to recover to the point where I am now. I am at a healthy weight, I am doing things I never thought possible and I am connecting with my inner voice again. Of course my life is not perfect! You all know I suffer a lot from my Colitis and I do find it hard to find ground in Germany after living abroad for so long. But I try! I try hard and when I realize that it’s not working I try even harder!

millet fried with smoked tofu, sunflower seeds, herbs and zucchini

This time I won’t give up. I will not be the One in seven. I will be alive, breathing the air of the life I choose to live.