i hope you all had a good weekend with some time to yourself to think and relax and most importantly to live.
over the last few month i have worked really hard on this concept of letting go. not just in the form of eating only the most nutritious foods but also in terms of going out and not knowing what i will do with friends, when i will be back and what i will feel like. I have a really hard time giving up that control. I feel as if i have nothing to give me certainly in the days when i don’t control what i do and where i go.
Some days i wake up in the morning and even before i open my eyes i ask myself ‘what are you going to do today after lunch?’ hello neela it’s only 10 am in the morning you should just slowly relax, wake up, shower and head down for breakfast. after that you can think about the ‘duties’ of the day. yet in that moment the thought of an uncontrolled day makes me anxious and scared. my mind starts to race and the anxiety kicks in.
I need to block this out. It’s influencing me in my everyday life and stops me from being the person i used to be. spontaneous, open to everything! yet here i am scared by the thought of having a ‘i don’t know what i am doing today’ kinda day. of course there is always something for me to do yet i need to know that i will do it at that time and that day just to be certain that i won’t have time during the day where i might feel like not knowing what to do.
is this just boredom? but doesn’t everyone get bored? what’s so bad about being bored and not knowing what to do? well i know my best friend gets very moody when she doesn’t know what to do but she doesn’t get scared. what am i scared of then? am i scared of life? oh the seemingly endless amount of time that life leaves us with? well if it was so endless why did 6 years of anorexia seems to me like 1? why am i afraid to admit to myself that i am turning 22 already in 2 weeks?
this sence of controlling even sometimes gets supported in the blog world as i sometimes see people planning their whole days in their calendars. neat i’d say but i do not want something like this for me! i want to have that space again in my life and embrace the moment even if there is nothing planned in it!
i decided to set a little challenge for myself. on 2 days of the week i am not allowed to plan my day. i just want to live in the moment. if i get a phone call from someone asking me to join them to a movie i will say YES because no i do not have already made a plan for my day. i want that bid of freedom back in my life.
can you relate? do you let go of your plans sometimes? are you a planner?


























































