letting go

i hope you all had a good weekend with some time to yourself to think and relax and most importantly to live.

over the last few month i have worked really hard on this concept of letting go. not just in the form of eating only the most nutritious foods but also in terms of going out and not knowing what i will do with friends, when i will be back and what i will feel like. I have a really hard time giving up that control. I feel as if i have nothing to give me certainly in the days when i don’t control what i do and where i go.

Some days i wake up in the morning and even before i open my eyes i ask myself ‘what are you going to do today after lunch?’ hello neela it’s only 10 am in the morning you should just slowly relax, wake up, shower and head down for breakfast. after that you can think about the ‘duties’ of the day. yet in that moment the thought of an uncontrolled day makes me anxious and scared. my mind starts to race and the anxiety kicks in.

I need to block this out. It’s influencing me in my everyday life and stops me from being the person i used to be. spontaneous, open to everything! yet here i am scared by the thought of having a ‘i don’t know what i am doing today’ kinda day. of course there is always something for me to do yet i need to know that i will do it at that time and that day just to be certain that i won’t have time during the day where i might feel like not knowing what to do.

is this just boredom? but doesn’t everyone get bored? what’s so bad about being bored and not knowing what to do? well i know my best friend gets very moody when she doesn’t know what to do but she doesn’t get scared. what am i scared of then? am i scared of life? oh the seemingly endless amount of time that life leaves us with? well if it was so endless why did 6 years of anorexia seems to me like 1? why am i afraid to admit to myself that i am turning 22 already in 2 weeks?

this sence of controlling even sometimes gets supported in the blog world as i sometimes see people planning their whole days in their calendars. neat i’d say but i do not want something like this for me! i want to have that space again in my life and embrace the moment even if there is nothing planned in it!

i decided to set a little challenge for myself. on 2 days of the week i am not allowed to plan my day. i just want to live in the moment. if i get a phone call from someone asking me to join them to a movie i will say YES because no i do not have already made a plan for my day. i want that bid of freedom back in my life.

can you relate? do you let go of your plans sometimes? are you a planner?

hair care

thick, luscious and healthy hair is probably something every woman wants to have. i mean nowadays it’s literally impossible to walk into a drug store without being flooded by different hair products that promise to give you that mane of gorgeous hair you always dreamed of. well i have to say that nature is not always fair when it comes to the kind of hair you have. some people are naturally blessed with thick and strong hair while others have thin and fragile hair.

what i did for my hair on the outside

probably one of my favorite things to do is to try out new hair products. i love discovering the new aromas they bring to my hair and the texture and life it gives to my hair.

still the overall winner of all my hair trials has been Kerastase with their wonderful and extensive range of hair care.

normal to dry hair range

i am aware that these products are not cheap at all. and being a student on a budget i can completely understand why one would not want to buy them. however i have noticed that less-is-more with these products. i only wash my hair every 3-4 days and use about a coin worth of shampoo on my hair. the other days i tend to just wash my hair with water and apply some conditioner to the ends to prevents them from drying out in Singapore humidity.

kerastase range for fine and volume-less hair

i have also put together a few other shampoos that i highly recommend if you live in a country where they are available. My family regularly stocks up on good shampoos when we go back home to europe and buy suitcases full of Nivea and Guhl shampoos. Guhl is actually by far the best- regular priced shampoo that i have ever tried.

coconut, nivea and Guhl shampoo

but that’s not all. sometimes our hair needs a little more to really shine. This is where i like to use hair mask, leave in treatments and oils overnight to help the hair ends get the moisture they need. I usually use simple olive oil or coconut oil as suggested by katharina and leave it on overnight. But i have also heard that mashing up an avocado and spreading it into your hair can work wonders. haven’t tried it yet but i am very curious to try it out!

what i did for my hair on the inside

my hair has always been somewhere in-between thin and thick. there were a few years where my hair really suffered from the lack of healthy fats and b-vitamins in my diet. My hair now has begun to recover just like i did. I can’t even stress enough how much fats do play a role in the way that your hair looks. i never quite believed this until i started incorporating avocados, nuts, seeds and oils into my diet.

it’s shining right???

now that i shared my secrets to making my hair and roots happier i’d love to hear from you what you do?? or are you one of those god-blessed ladies who has flawless hair without any help?? oh i envy you!

finding home

happy february my friends!

this is my favorite month of the whole year hint hin my birthday is around the corner!

I have spent a lot of time thinking about my life in Singapore. This island has been home to me for almost my whole life yet i have a very hard time calling it home. but where is home? not in germany, i feel so foreign when i am in my home country! for me i feel most at home when i am where my brother is. so right now that would be Geneva. even though i don’t know much about Geneva I felt at home as soon as i visited this chic city in the summer.

now let’s not get distracted. i want to find my home. i want to find a place on this earth where i feel like i belong. i want to live away from my parents. i have come to realize this christmas that living with them right now it not healthy for me and is not helping me in becoming a young woman and being the person i wish to be. i need to discover the world on my own feet. i need to figure out how to get my own money, i don’t want to be a spoilt child that has everything she needs carried after her. i am sick of the lifestyle most expats including my family enjoy here in Singapore. big salaries, big cars, big houses, maids, gardeners etc! i am sick of it! i want independence. i can wash my own laundry and clean after myself perfectly well.i buy organic food with my dad’s money, i buy the most expensive produce from another person money. i could just accept normal produce since it’s not my money and i should be thankful for getting this money at 21 years old. many students like me do not get a lovely paycheck my their parents for doing well… nothing. i often need to laugh at myself when i realize that my monthly ‘pocket money’ is more than what someone who works 7 days a week 12 hours everyday works. how pathetic is that? no wait how wrong is it? how much am i staying in my comfort zone by enjoying this pleasure at the cost of NOTHING!

i want to leave my ‘home’, i need to move away from Singapore. on the road i might fall, maybe even very hard. but at least i will be able to learn how to pick myself up again. i know that i need support and that is what i have researched all this time, i am looking at the options i have to get support in european countries. of course i am also looking where i can continue my studies.

i always thought that i would only feel out of place at the university in singapore in the beginning. but i have come to accept that i do not belong there as a full time student. singapore is not the country where i wish to continue my studies and where i can find my happiness. it will be where i can find myself without my parents guiding me.

so there you go. you might think ‘oh poor little princess, daddy buys her everything yet she is not happy’. well yeah maybe that’s true for some part. i am a little princess. my anorexia is the princess in me that demands everything from others without giving back. but i know that neela is different. i am kind, i am open hearted and i am extremely loving and caring and i will not let this demon change me into anything i am not.

so here i am two weeks away from my departure to europe. even though i have i have a return ticket 3 weeks later i have not decided if i will come back. maybe i will, but maybe i won’t. i will let my heart decide when that day arrives.

this is my last chance in finding myself. it’s been 7 years of sabotage, lies, guilt, pain and burden. it is time to end this chapter of my life and to start on a new one. i shall call it home

recovering and healing

sorry for being a bit MIA in terms of blogging but i have not been feeling the best the last few days. my tummy pains are back, stronger and a lot more severe and intense then the last time. My poor inflamed tummy is crying for help and even oatmeal is not approved anymore as the soothing food to calm everything down. so many smoothies have made their way down my stomach and loads of mashed potatoes and the easy to digest kinda stuff. BUHHH!

so no pretty pictures of food for all of you out there. just a little message to say I”M NEVER GOING TO GIVE UP HOPE!! it’ll get better. my body takes time to heal and recover from the stomach pains. Of course i could go into a completely depressed state and blame my body for all the discomfort that it is causing me but then where would that lead me to? hating my body? well though luck, i only have one. i don’t think it comes with a warranty or a receipt to exchange it after 21 years??

i decided that i wanted to do something for myself to show me that i really do care about my health and my well-being. what did i do? well i didn’t really buy it, more like my parents but I AM FLYING TO GERMANY AND SWITZERLAND on the 18 Feb. That’s 3 weeks from now. YYAAAAAAAYYYY! i shall me seeing this dude then

best therapy in the world is my brother

i was so happy when my mum told me about buying my flight! i am actually staying in Munich for a week to meet some friends and then going for 2 weeks to Geneva. and the part that i am most excited about is THE COLD!!! ha ha ha. you’re all probably like WTF??? the cold?? i hate the cold!

BUT i’ve been living in the super hot and humid Singapore since 13 almost 14 years. i need a break!

so yeah, that’s my amazing news and my amazing plan for the next month. on the lighter note i will also be turning 5 1/2 years old soon. remember i’m a leap year child?? yup so no no real birthdays every 4 years. but at least i have an excuse when i sometimes make act like a child

sometimes in life you don’t know where things are going

right now it feels even better to NOT know where it’s going!

follow me and see where it will lead me!! maybe in the arms of price charming on lake Geneva with a glass of moet in my hand! nothing is impossible

alright my lovely ladies i’m off to catch up with all you amazing people out there!

lavender, gifts and ice cream

happy thursday all you wonderful people out there!

i had a wonderful start to the day with a bowl of Ice- cream oatmeal! it was fantastic, do i need to say more? no I’ll just leave you with the photo…

ice cold coconut ice cream served on hot oatmeal

the ice cream immediately melted on the hot oatmeal and created a wonderful sweet aroma to the rest of the oatmeal. this is a keeper for my breakfast oatmeal. i absolutely loved the fusion of warm and cold in this breakfast.

yesterday was another wonderful day spend with friends. it all started with me and my best friend heading over to browhaus to get our ‘growing’ eyebrows tweezed. have you heard of tweezing? it’s so amazing and much less painful than plucking your eyebrows.

love the name

ooouuchh

the final result! clean and sleek eyebrows! yay

after we were done we got a little hungry and needed a quick bite to hold us over the afternoon. thank god for good and cheap sushi in every supermarket here in singapore.

everything from shrimp to salmon was on the menu!

we then decided it was time for a much needed stop to Starbucks! duh! it was around 5 so who wouldn’t need a quick coffee fix then? the day is still young right?

always a winner

while we we’re at starbucks we exchanged some gifts that we still had for each other for christmas. we even bought the same little boxes for each other!! we are really true soul mates at heart i guess

pink and purple worlds

i gave her this necklace

and i got this gorgeous key chain

i really love opening gifts, my eyes just start to light up!

a little while later we meet another friend of ours. these two friends have probably been my oldest friends. i have known them since primary school and learned how to write and read with them. it’s such a beautiful feeling to grow old with some really close friends. do you still have friends from when you were really young?

the lovely guy

hey there you two!!

can you believe we dated in grade 8?? haha it makes me smile! he's one of my best friends now

we slowly let the evening settle in, dined together at a restaurant called marmalade pantry and then decided to end the night in a little tea house with asia treats like kaya toast and milk tea.

all smiles when it comes to good tea

i had some lavender tea

and that was all for the day!

hope you all are having a good end to the week and are getting ready for the last week of January 2010!

au revoir mes amies!

just an ordinary morning

good morning to all you beautiful people out there!

is today really going to be ordinary? let’s see….

ordinary oats with ordinary peanut butter

after breakfast i took a little walk out into our garden and found the not so ordinary beauty of nature

a flower blossoming in our pond

the ordinary curious fish that live in our pond

can you see them?

i enjoy ordinary days. a sence of belonging, peace and calm floats through me when i know that all i need to do is to enjoy every moment of this day.

For me days like these involve a lazy morning sleep-in with a warming bowl of oatmeal. followed by some reading, writing and thinking. Late- lunches with my busy bee mummy and maybe a rejuvenating afternoon walk to slowly bring the day to a peaceful end. At night inspiring and empowering movies are best enjoyed with a delicious dinner. Before i end this day i tend to keep 15-20 min aside for my daily meditation and to set my inner goal for the next day. I regenerate myself on days like these and prepare myself for situations where i get stressed or triggered. I can then bring up enough strength to withstand the pressure of the unknown.

it’s just an ordinary day

to infinity and beyond

what’s up the title? well it refers to my friendship with my best friend. i can not even say what an amazing hmp day i had with her! so i decided to do a little documentary of the day…..

9.30 woke up from my sweet dreams, headed downstair in my PJ and made breakfast!

my beloved oatmeal

bekah’s amazing granola made it even better

10.30 curlded back into bed for an episode of private practise and some blog reading

13.00 time to shower, get ready and meet the bestie

will my credit card take the load??

2.00-7.00 stopped and shopped at Zara, Mango, Massimo Dutti, Topshop etc…. oh Singapore how i live your shopping!

satisfied shoppers

i love the pants!!

dresses are our weakness, for sure

7.00 we were starved and so ready for dinner

well hello there yummy thang!

soy-cured smoked salmon, julienne kabocha, tomatoes, cucumber, soy beans and tofu in seasame-goma dressing and buckwheat noodles

almost passed out from the flavors of this dish, then slowly settled for this picture

awwww

8.00 drinks at starbucks and futher planning of the night.

8.30 planning ended, decided to head back home to do an all movie nighter

bus rides are fun right?

or serious

2.00 am me and my bestie are in our deep sleep dreaming about this

double chocolate blackout dreams

hmmm

hope you guys all had a wonderful hump day!

oh and plese check out this amazing giveaway!!

a breath of nature

happy hump day my friends!

i have to admit that my day wasn’t the happiest i have had recently but i think most important is to get through them. Not every day can be good or perfect. We all have our bad days where things can go wrong!

oatmeal made it all a little better

after my breakfast i decided to do an all-day in bed kinda day. It was WONDERFUL! i think that is what heals me the most when i don’t feel like i am on top of my game. i just lie in my bed and read, watch an episode of House/Grey’s or Private Practise or meditate. And after a few hours i immediately feel a lot better. and i did

lunch time rolled around

something simple, something fast had to do the trick. so it was some zucchini fries with ketchup (actually tastes really good), crackers, english muffin and avocado. was i satisfied? NO! so i needed this

now i felt better, believe me!

i had to get out of my bed sadly and figure out something at the university. i dragged my bum out of bed and drove there only to find out that i had to meet with some person only on thursday. meaning that coming to uni today was a total waste of time. i decided that it was a wonderful time to take a breath of nature to calm me down. my mum happily agreed and me visited the botanical garden again.

there we go, a little smile

blue skies for hope

open space for inner peace

more at peace i was happy to make some dinner. it was a lazy day as mentioned so i decided to go with an easy soup, some sautéed spinach and humus with warm bread.

a very comforting dinner was needed

After this i happily jumped into my cosy bed once again to end the day with more of TV watching and chatting to my best friend about our date our date today! sometimes life is not perfect but i have to a point where i always try my best to make the most out of the day no matter what it brings.

(role)models

don’t be afraid! this is not going to be another one of those post that highlights how distorted and sick the model world is. This is a post that hopefully show you that things can be different to what they have been in the last years and that the model thinness might be coming to an end (at least in Germany) with the help of US!

I was browsing through my mum’s favorite german magazine called ‘Brigitte’. This magazine targets an audience of 20-50 years old women and includes spreads on fashion, beauty, lifestyle and cooking. Maybe a more conservative Cosmopolitan or Glamour kinda thing.

Well the moral of the story is that this magazine decided that from January 2010 they will no longer feature any professional models in their magazines for their fashion and beauty spreads.

the end to a unhealthy trend is in sight

so who will be featured in their new spreads? or will they have any spreads at all? When i found out about the answer i felt so much joy inside for all these women that maybe had something really amazing to look forward too.

Brigitte has decided that if YOU want to be in their magazine for a shoot then you can. All one needs to do is write into them and they will book you into a slot to model for them. Now of course you might not get a job straight away and have to wait a few weeks but the editor promised that each and every single entry would be guaranteed a shoot!!!! how amazing is that?? oh and did i mention that you can also get paid for it? Sweet!!!!

the new models are looking really good

i immediately turned to the pages where the first shoot was featured. a group of 10 opera singers was featured modeling evening gowns. they all looked stunning and most important of all they were REAL PEOPLE with real curves and attitude.

The whole idea actually developed after several people in Germany wrote into the magazine and proposed the idea of having ‘real’ models. well it was only a matter of time till things began to change  for the good.

while reading about this fantastic news i completely forgot the wonderful flavors of my dinner, creamed spinach with nutmeg and a grilled piece of wild salmon

highly recommended

with salmon it's even better

notice the little cookie in the background? it’s a japanese rice cracker and on the package is a human face. Japanese seriously make the cutest food

breakfast this morning was nothing spectacular but it was comforting and good.

classic walnut oatmeal are what i crave most

it’s about noon right now here in Singapore and i hope all of you have a wonderful Sunday ahead of you. And maybe today you find 5-10 min where you write into your favorite magazine and propose to them the idea of having real models. Yes maybe the shooting time will take a little longer since we are no experts in how to pose (well maybe we are after seeing some Facebook shots of you ladies ) but they save costs (yeah i don’t think model shoots with Heidi and Giselle are cheap) and readers get to see healthy women from all ages, all sizes to see what women really look like!

it’s our call!

in and out

i am a little lazy today so i shall let the photos do the talking!

in= taken in the walls of my house

out= taken somewhere on the sunny island of singapore

in: trying to figure out what to wear today

out: enjoying my new gold manicure and feeling fab in a yellow topshop dress and my fav sandels

in: lunch lady dined on spaghetti squash with vegan alfredo sauce and tofu, drizzeled with flax seed oil

out: happily seated next to a sushi belt in my favorite sushi restaurant

in: snacking on mum's beloved coconut macaroons

out: favorite sushi reunion, salmon sushi

in: yep, i feel pretty good about myself and the day

out: maybe this might be my new favorite salad, seaweed salad

in: no day ends without a little indulgence

have a wonderful end to the week!